Despite having been baptised as a baby and
semi-regularly attending Sunday school as a child, my first real encounter with
Christianity came as a young adult at the hands of fire-and-brimstone preachers
who, almost literally, scared the hell out of me. I was so frightened of the
vengeful God they introduced me to that I surrendered without much thought and,
as required to save my immortal soul, "asked Jesus into my heart". I
was married at the time, another decision made without much rational thought,
and together we religiously attended church on Sundays, Bible studies on
Wednesday nights and I even joined the women's group to be taught how to be a
proper, subservient Christian wife.
At around the same time, I had plucked up the
courage to inquire about playing women's cricket, having spent many hours with
my father when I was in high school learning the basics of batting and bowling.
I can still remember my shock and intrigue when one of the ladies I encountered
told me that she was part of the "camp" scene and somehow expected
that to make me reject her. I did have to go home and look up "camp"
in the dictionary to be sure that I understood her - turns out she had
"come out" to me and was trying to tell me she was gay, a lesbian.
One thing led to another and I found myself, as a married Christian woman,
having what could best be described as a lesbian affair. It was a time of great
conflict for me as I felt like I had discovered why I had always felt different
from all the other girls, but also felt terribly "convicted" that
what I was doing was wrong. I remember searching in Christian bookshops to try
and find out what the Bible said about homosexuality - unfortunately, at that
time the only Christian "voice" that was available said it was a sin.
So, with a heavy, but somewhat self-righteous, heart I ended the affair telling
myself it was because I cared so much for her that I didn't want to stand
between her and her eternal salvation (pious so-and-so I was then).
The affair was over, but my marriage was
irretrievably broken. The only way I could cope was to shut myself off
emotionally which I did successfully till one day when my sister-in-law refused
to leave me alone till she broke through my walls. Then, I shamed my husband by
leaving and ultimately divorcing him, with the support of a Christian
counsellor. I was still attending church and continued to do so through several
more relationships with guys and two interstate moves. I talked to a few people
about being gay and I had crushes on women, but I never acted on them.
My last interstate move was to Queensland, in part
to be closer to my parents, but also to be in a warmer climate and to try and
break free of working in large government organisations - that part didn't work
out so well as I found myself working for Brisbane City Council, quite possibly
the largest council in the world. But I found myself a nice house to rent
complete with a pool, a good church to attend and was enjoying being able to
visit my parents a bit more often. I even started attending a Bible College one
night a week, learning New Testament Greek which had always fascinated me.
Then, around the end-of-financial-year rollover,
which is always a hectic time for IT people supporting a financial system, I
got a cold, then another one, then I found walking from the station to work was
getting hard and I wasn't coping well with the pressures of being on-call. The
final straw came when I was the only member of my team at work one Friday and I
just became totally overwhelmed with what was required of me and found myself
falling apart at work. Many doctor's visits ensued leading to a diagnosis of
chronic fatigue syndrome and fibromyalgia and I have not worked since.
For someone who had always thrown themselves into
work, sport and study, being stuck at home alone for hour after hour, day after
day was difficult and I ultimately sought out some (again Christian)
counselling which inevitably led to discussing my sexuality. I can still
remember the day when I tentatively typed the words "gay" and
"Christian" into Google and my amazement to discover there were
actually people who were both, who had reconciled their gay identity with being
an active member of a Christian church. After much reading and thought, I
concluded that they were right, that the so-called "clobber" passages
in the Bible could not really be read as outright condemnation of
homosexuality. I also realised that the condemnation I had felt during my
lesbian affair was because I was committing adultery, not merely because it was
an affair with a woman - blatantly obvious in hindsight, of course. With that
weight lifted off my mind, I started tentatively exploring the online and
real-life gay world. I had a couple of relationships with women, went to church
with them, broke up with them and eventually met the woman I thought would be
my life partner, taking her to church for our first "date".
I was still a committed Christian, although less
fundamentalist than I had been. Books I'd read at Bible College taught me that
reading the Bible literally wasn't doing it justice, that context and culture
was important, that the earth was not 10,000 years old but that the scientific,
evolutionary worldview could be reconciled with a less literal reading of
biblical creation myths. I had a lot of respect for the pastor at my church who
continually questioned what difference my beliefs made to my everyday life,
what I actually meant when I spouted "Christianese" and modelled an
openness to questioning and a willingness to admit that we don't have all the
answers and that that is OK. Everyone in the church belonged to one of four
"clusters" which took turns in being responsible for Sunday services.
I played an active role in my cluster, even planning the entire service after
the tsunami as I felt so strongly about the impact that should have on
Australian Christians.
I moved up to the Sunshine Coast, but still drove
down to Brisbane most Sundays to attend church, and when my partner and I
decided to hold a commitment ceremony, we asked the church if we could use
their premises. After much soul-searching from the hierarchy at church, that
request was denied, and we held the ceremony at our home. The pastor and his
wife attended but he couldn't officiate because although the church was an
autonomous entity, it belonged to a denomination and it could have cost him his
job. I had a hard time dealing with the reality that my partner and I were
welcome at the church, could participate as actively as we wanted, yet because
of some rules, our relationship couldn't be acknowledged openly by the church.
We always had the pastor's support and the support of those members of the
congregation who knew the true nature of our relationship, but the church as an
organisation couldn't be seen to support us.
After that, the long drive down to Brisbane to
attend church on Sundays seemed less and less worthwhile and when the pastor
resigned his position to become a full-time high school teacher, I no longer
felt like a member of that church. Together, and separately, we investigated
other options closer to home and even online. We attended a couple of services
at a "gay" church in Brisbane, went to a couple of Quakers meetings
further up the coast and my partner tried out several churches in the local
area as she felt a greater "need" to be part of a church or some sort
of spiritual community. Over time, my frustration with the church as an
organisation grew - so many rules and so much certainty over issues which I now
saw as controversial or even irrelevant. I liked the Quakers idea of
"questioning all your answers" but even they had rules and
regulations and no real place for gay and lesbian couples.
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